Be More Assertive
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I recently rewatched Insecure and wanted to highlight how passive Andrew was in his relationship with Molly. He wanted to please her to the point of his own detriment and it led to feelings of resentment which ultimately led to the demise of their relationship. Did Molly have controlling tendencies? She absolutely did, but instead of Andrew addressing her behavior, he kept letting it slide and suppressing his needs to meet hers. When you feel like your needs are not being met, it sours a relationship, and it can be hard to bounce back from that.
As I watched this eiposde it made me think about the importance being assertive in life because being in relationship with people should not require you to be a doormat, but many folks allow themselves to get walked over in order to keep the peace and it’s time to break that cycle.
What does it mean to be assertive?
Asserting yourself simply means voicing your needs and concerns in a respectful manner.
You should be able to make your point and tell your truth without degrading or belittling others. The moment you start disrespecting people is when you show your lack of emotional maturity, poor communication, and self-regulation skills.
Being assertive and direct is not mean, but understand that when you assert yourself to someone with a passive personality, they may interpret your directness as rudeness. I have a family member who calls me mean every chance they get because I have strong boundaries with them. This is a person who I am not afriad to say no to, i remember they called me once and when I answered they immediately said “ i know you’re going to say no but I figured I’d still ask” and guess what I proceeded to say to the person, no.
I had another situation where a stranger tried to hug me in the street
When I talk about boundaries, undertsand that I believe boundaries is a societal issue. It is not just an issue
Three Key things to remember about being assertive
People do not like hearing the truth, no matter how kindly it is told. However, this does not mean that the truth should be withheld. It simply means that any hard feelings that arise need to be worked through.
Let people call you mean. Let people make you the villain in their story. Let people create their own false narrative about what happened. You need to understand that protecting your peace will sometimes require you to let people live in their own state of delusion. At some pooint you really have to learn how to be okay with not having the last word and let people engage in the fantasies they create for themselves.
You need to acknowledge that the reason why you won't assert yourself is because it is more important for you to be liked than it is to tell the truth. Being honest with yourself is essential for living with ease.
The more you hold these truths you heart and don’t take them personal, you will find freedom in learning to be assertive.