You Can Bloom In Darkness Too

New year. Same confusion.

2018 was a beautiful year for me. As the earth orbited around the sun I got the opportunity to live a full and whole life. A life where I was brave. A life where I found courage. A life where I held hope in my hands and decided to never let go. It is a true blessing what God did for me in 2018 because 2017 wasn’t the greatest. I was able to achieve things I never thought I would, see places I never thought I’d see and as I reflect, I am in awe at my ability to show up and stand tall which is what I always desire and declare to achieve every year.

There’s always a but though, and here it is. In the midst of all that is beautiful, there is this painful and ugly truth that I have tried so hard to tuck away in the many layers of my mind. I have been wanting to wrap it up like a blanket and tuck it away in the closet where shame lives. There is a loudness, one that rings without ending. I try to block the sound out. I try to push the truth out, but I can’t. I have been tip toeing through most of 2018 and even now, my feet feel like they cannot rest. I, cannot rest.

During some point within the year I fell out of touch with my relationship with God. I am not sure when it all started, but I do know it played a significant role in my unease and imbalance. I got myself caught up in a situation. That’s what it merely was, a situation, but with all things in life, roots grow from the things that we plant and continue to feed, and my situation began to grow into a problem. When I think about what got me in the place I was in, a place I was so sure I would never end up in, I realize that 2018 wasn’t only about courage, hope and bravery,  it was a year of wanting. Wanting to be heard. Wanting to be seen. Wanting what hasn’t been made available to me in what feels like a very long time. This wanting, coupled with a sense of yearning, led me to places that were dark and messy. It also however led me to light and truth. I cried a lot in 2018. I also felt ugly, unlovable, insecure, disappointed… in others and in myself. I was afraid, I was tired, I was burnt out.

As the end of 2018 came near, I began to see all the posts of what people accomplished, the things they manifested and all the goals they had for themselves in the New Year. I didn’t begin the year with the joy I thought I would have, what I did have however was confusion. I had a mind full of worry and thoughts that were tangled and now I sit here, on the 1st of January, trying to figure out how to pluck myself from this web of not knowing. I am not sure of how to get back to that place of knowing God how I once did. I am not sure of what is next. I am not sure if I still want the same things I thought I wanted for myself. I am not sure if I know how to satisfy this wanting that is leaving me hungry for more. I am just not sure.

I write these thoughts out because I refuse to believe that I am the only one who feels this way, but maybe I am, and if that is true, it’s okay. This is what humanness looks like. Sometimes what once seemed like truth can unravel and leave a person full with questions and concerns. This is where I am and I no longer want to hide it. I believe that doing the works requires vulnerability. It requires openness.  But what I also believe is that no matter how heavy the situation, even in the midst of confusion I am still worthy of grace.

I am in love with being here on earth. And what I am teaching myself is patience. I am allowed to be patient with myself. I am allowed to rediscover myself. I am allowed to just not know, I don’t always have to have the answers and most importantly, I am okay with surrendering even if I never get the answers that I am looking for. I am reminding myself that it is okay to be confused. It’s apart of the process of growth as you shift and remove familiar layers. So don’t judge yourself if you’re in this season. Your clarity will come. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with the process.

Because of all of this I decided not to set any goals or resolutions for myself this year. Instead, I want to be intentional. I want to be mindful of what I give and receive. I don’t want to fill my calendars with expectations and deadlines, I instead want to continue the process of learning to unpack my truth, disconnect from inadvertent dysfunction and practice the habit of living in the here and now. Of course there are things that I am working toward, like finding an agent for my novel, eating healthier, moving my body more, shifting my career, even writing more blog posts, but I want to be intentional about it all so that I can manifest what is right for me.

This year I want to bloom in new ways. I want to find God in my own language, I want to love on my own terms, I want to blanket myself with peace and keep my eyes open for what is for me and not be distracted by the servings that is on someone else’s plate. I will teach myself to be okay with this season that I am in and not judge myself for it. I’m going to enter this year practicing the art of being fully human.

Right now I don’t have a resolution to the confusion I am in, but I know that even in what feels like darkness there is space for me to bloom here too. I will be okay. And if this is your struggle, so will you.