Alive, Messy, Human

I want to document more moments of what it truly means to be alive. I want to play more, dance more, smile more and show every detail of my humanness. Through the power of journaling and self-reflecting, one of the things that I’ve noticed is that I’ve become to familiar with monotony as of late. I used to feel more rooted in my humanness. Now, I am just lazy.

I’ve tried to figure out how this happened. How my excitement for life fizzled and my youth and exuberance began to be erased. I wonder when I became so serious, confused, tired, burnt out. Feeling as if everything has to be in order. I became a straight lines kind of girl when really what I’m working with is crooked sticks. It’s clear to me that as I’ve aged, I’ve allowed the pressures of life to burden me. What has also become a burden is this practice of helping others before I help myself. Looking for how to satisfy the needs of other people while neglecting my own. I’m sure this is where the burn out started.

I am learning how to be alive this year. I want to be in tune with my senses. I want to appreciate the stretch of my limbs, the escape of a yawn, the trickle of a tear rolling down my cheeks and the scent of life that exists around me. I want to embrace my mess, but I won’t give my mess permission to linger. I can be loved while broken, but I do not have to stay broken in order to feel worthy of love. I can be full + whole while being who I am authentically and unapologetically. It is a requirement that I learn how to sit with my humanness. I want to dismantle the ideology that perfection what makes us lovable and worthy when really it’s simple, being human is truly enough.

I have learned that your brokenness has nothing to do with your purpose. You do not have to wait for healing to enter your space before you pursue the life that you want to live. Get started on what you want. How you invest in the days ahead of you plays a part in the process of you becoming whole.

I am in a season of becoming. I am letting go. I am shifting. I am learning. I am unlearning. I am transforming. I am advancing. Above all else, I am evolving. And with that, I will make it a habit to document each layer that unfolds, each petal that falls, each stumble that I take, each smile that smears across my face, each breath that leaves my lips and each song that I sing with freedom in mind.

I am embracing what it means to be alive.

I am embracing all my mess.

I am embracing what it means to human.